Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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