This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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