it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
