I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
