Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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