I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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