if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
