everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
