I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Randomize
