I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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