I'm gonna have a badass scar
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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