everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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