I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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