I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
