She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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