Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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