I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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