I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
It's like God shit irony all over that family
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
It's just like the Real World with babies
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
