Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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