By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
