I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
