my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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