we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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