Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
