puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
a search helicopter?!
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
