I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
