fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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