the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
