you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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