i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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