We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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