She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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