and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
