well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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