The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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