Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
