Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
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So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
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Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
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