Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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