Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
