my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
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I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
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guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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