i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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