Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
