new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
