So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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