Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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