I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
