i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
