If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
