I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
