How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
