I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
