I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
