Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
