I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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