There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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