Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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