I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Houston, we have a squirter
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
