I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
