Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
