We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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