You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
