There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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