I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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